how to cut up a gigantic watermelon
Friday, July 9, 2010 at 4:30PM 
Flickr: Martin BradberryIt is hot. Sticky, steamy, stuck to the seat cushion hot. Hair frizzing, makeup ruining, water vapor breathing hot. North Carolina summers are already not for the faint of heart, before the addition of the current East Coast heat wave. To cut a long story short, it's really unpleasant.
The easiest way to stay human, rather than a puddle of melted flesh on the sidewalk, is to stay cool and hydrated. For cool we have air conditioning (I would do unspeakable things to Willis Haviland Carrier in thanks for air conditioning). For hydration there's nothing better than a big thick slice of watermelon to cool you down and keep you moderately sane. It's composed almost entirely of water and loaded with potassium and Vitamins A and C.
You can hand some to the kids to keep them running around in the backyard like banshees. They'll love their sweet, tasty treat and you can continue on with your day guilt-free, unlike those jack-ass parents who feed their kids Sunny D (a drink healthy enough to be considered a level 1 pollutant in the UK).
That being said, have you seen the steroid-injected watermelons at your local mega mart? They're insane. I could barely lift mine out of the giant carton and into my shopping cart and I was going for the mini-seedless ones. If, like me, you've passed up watermelons before because you just didn't want to deal with the hassle of breaking them down - here's a tip:
First, get your behemoth home safely. Make sure to strap that baby in like your first born child because nobody wants a fruit bowling ball flying at their windshield if they get brake checked.
Second, give it a nice bath. Lord only knows what's been crawling around on those things and even if you aren't going to eat the rind you have to cut through it to get to the delicious flesh.
Third, cut off both stem and blossom ends. Stand it up on your newly created flat surface and slice off the rind in a downward motion, working all around the circumference of the melon. Try and get as much of the bland white flesh off without taking too much of the sweet, tasty red - but it's not rocket science, you know?
I didn't think about taking a picture until after I was already half finished, but I'm sure you get the idea.
Finally, lay the nice, naked watermelon back on the cutting board and cut it up as you wish. Now you're biggest problem is finding enough Tupperware to put the thing away. No dealing with the rind and you can cut it up into whatever shapes you like. The husband and I are particular to cubes, but that's just because we sit down with a big bowl of it in front of the television. Add two forks and an episode of BBC Life and that's our idea of a happy weeknight.
I decided this last time to cut large slices off before I cubed the rest up. Then I used some cookie cutters to cut out star shapes. I really wish I'd thought of this before the 4th of July, too, because how stinkin cute would it be to use star shaped frozen watermelon chunks at a backyard BBQ instead of ice? Or, depending on your demographic, throw them in a jello shot before they firm up - it's like you're half Martha Stewart and half Tila Tequila!
All said and done, it's a really easy process - one of those no-brainer pieces of advice that you wonder why you'd never thought of it before. But it really does make cutting up a huge watermelon manageable and, in my opinion, more useful because you can do more with it in the end. And if you do nothing more with it than soak cute little watermelon stars in Everclear and dance half-naked around a bonfire to celebrate our nation's independence, then good on you! Way to be American!
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